& ruined it all.
finally
finally.
& you whisper loud and clear, & you make it known...
i'm happiest
without you.
if only i were
a little younger,
a little more naive.
but i know what i'm doing
& i know when i'm wrong.
i never wanted you to know
i never wanted you to know
i never wanted you to know.
blasted doors,
blasted house.
blastblastbang.
bravery surfaces
at last.
impossible you say.
((she can feel the tale i tell by the burn i give away))
i finally
went walking, at night.
reasonless, foolish,
wonderful walking.
sit in an
oldredchair
patience for
the perfect
moment.
a fearfulfearless
liberation. as if to
say something meaningful,
my black ballet shoes
make their debut.
palepink clouds
strewn against
the indigo sky.
quiet streets seem like
an adventure, a romance.
feel the world is
mine to conquer;
mine to slay.
feel the darkness
devour me.
river of cars
flooding & drying up
in mere moments.
((like entire seasons are racing time))
shadows&light tango
on the footpath.
try to lose myself
in silent song.
streetlamps glow
orange & white.
fold a frangipani flower
into my palm.
a dozen taxis sleep in a field of pavement. two still have their lights on, as if waiting for a nonexistent passenger. as if they're telling me to turn back home.
i don't.
lovely liquid streets to make me feel like floating or falling or foolish & i don't know but i walk & i try to see & see & see but for the feeling that i may not be alone.
i'm the only one here to fill the emptiness.
every pedestrian is a prowler, every prowler seems to slumber; except for you, except for me.
((the summer cockroaches have a nightlife of their own))
my feet quicken when i reach the scariest place on earth. every nightmare revives itself, every horror movie, every violent vice, every shrill violin merges in my head. a dog barks on the other side of the fence & my blood ices over.
feet drag up the hill. lights that never even falter. a glimmer of the city is printed on the skyline. why won't you just sleep?
drop a coin & murmur a little prayer. tiptoe down the street, place flowers in my hair. pause at the bus stop & jangle silver coins without a care.
sit outside your house
& rest for a while.
something pours over me
like calm or regret.
i finally feel
a little bit free
as i swing my umbrella
& hum a fractured melody.
twirl in the streets,
swirl around signposts,
step with a gracefulness
that parodies a dancer.
the clouds drift apart
in the midnightsky above,
& i follow the milkyway home.
just before i
am struck by
lightning. i
read this next
to a set of
photographs
on display
in the street;
...these images attempt to act as a set of whispers. taken as if they are a set of forensic archives or stills from an unknown movie set...
this is just the turmoil that we cling to. without chaos we are but ghosts of the earth; without a daunting presence we are just glass that never shatters. we are butterflies in an electric storm. without rain we do not live, we only exist. there is an uncertain poetry that infuses itself in everysingle breath of oxygen. i am a thing of the night, of the twilight, of the sunrise & the afternoon. every echo around me is just a sign that destiny is written&erased over&over again. we inhabit a world of wonder & danger & suffering & love. who am i to refuse my share of each?