to embrace.
to awkwardly
wrap & unwrap myself
around you
around you
around your fingers, your little finger,
your hands that bear gold rings.
you must have been reading my mind
all this time, all this time
decieving me, allowing me
to think what i wanted
to know what i wanted
i am so terrified of this conversation
i am wanting to glue myself to the spot;
to this ornate chair, in this noontide room
for fear; slow, simple fear
that i would flee at
first sight of you
every detail of mine is panicked, quixotic.
with soapy water down my jeans
a tear-away top ((was once a dress)),
hair flown about from the forty minutes
it took to get me here. i have
never walked so fast, so fucking
fast & mindlessly & drunkenly &
the sound of drums at my feet!
for this, for only this.
i must be breaking into two
before your lovely eyes. i
have tormented myself in those
eyes-rimmed-grey too many times.
funny then, that you would never see,
& right now i must be, i must be
grateful for that, at least.
you're treating me with such courteousy
with such studied intent, &
whittling me away like a piece
of easy balsawood. telling me
"you've changed, you are different"
((undertones of you look better, happier. is this why you don't call me?))
the same old things. fitting then,
that i should feel the same
overtaken
overwhelmed
by you you you
but at theflickofaswitch
that feeling is gone.
your masterful disguise
your charms & flattery
have no force, no
weight with me
it is such a relief
such a sweetsugar release
until
you
ask
& suddenly my string of affections
has done an about-face. has thrown you
toe-to-toe with this elusive opponent
that you will never see, will never know
i want to yell in the middle
of this stupid, overpriced cafe
that i've found your substitute!
my placebo, pseudo-love; someone as
brilliant, as witty & well-versed
as you! how you would laugh
to know this. to see through
this & see through me & oh my,
you were so good at seeing
things through. i, too
meek & unsure! i, who
could not look you
in the eye! surely
this is preposterous?
i must be breaking into two
before your lovely eyes.
there is a boy outside;
his lazy limbs are so
much like yours, speaking
of moments made in reveries
it must be all adrenalin. you leave.
gathering your things. make a flippant
remark regarding the weather. pay for
my drink. trade schedules, make plans.
it will soon be january, i will have
to clutch courage to my chest &
continue this conversation
another time, elsewhere.
& so
i am falling in love
with people on the street,
i am looking for this one face
under every head of brown hair.
i am tossing coins in the busker's case
he is singing thank you to me
i am poor & exhilirated & hungry.
reckless, i wander the streets
following lurid light to
lurid light
my entire body is playing the blues
while i walk home alone, under ashen skies.
the pavement, made of black liquorice
is stretching into eternities i can never know.
& when i walk past the park
all fairy-lights & mist
i come to the realisation
that someone is behind me.
in his black t-shirt & faded blue jeans
he could be anyone. but he is no threat,
so far behind, so singular & slow.
i find myself
slipping between the trees, enjoying
the sound of velveteen grass. not
bothering or caring or giving a damn.
crossing the road with the most poise
i can muster, a hand in my pocket & a
slanted glance. inevitably
saying goodbye.
home at last; i've done this before
maybe a year ago, a decade ago
this alleyway with magic cats
& verbose spells. i am
returning to some
stale feeling.
i have broken in two
before you or beneath you?
with the wrong keys
& the right words.