time
did you manage to pass it?
it would have gone on
without you
puzzles, puzzles
they sting like hard
i missed you
whoever you are.
((does that sound insincere? yes, it does))
the downfall of eng xx
...
is messy
i read through parts of my major work
and eugh.
i definitely lacked editing
but who cares?
it's over
since then...
i have flirted between emotions
angry. sad. pity. jealous. happy. laughing. smiling. joking. sad. angry&sad&jealous. foolish. slow. happy. content. lazy. lazy. lazy.
i suppose that's the worst bit.
i still feel lazy
but i've gotten over everything else
i'll give you
a potent wine of past events
excerpt from major work
Crossing a threshold into grey sunlight and I jangle my key alone, facing the street to say it�s loud up here in my head too. But nobody listens to silence anymore so I continue on my way to do nothing but walk and walk and watch my feet make a rhythm better than my fingers on guitar strings. Moving without a notion of going and finding a place to sit down for a while to throw my ideas away.
lines from my notebook
infecting every thought as you crawl across my senses. i don't want to be here. ever or now. as shadows fall across my page and a sentence never makes conclusion. collusion is just a pretty word for conspiracy and no matter how hard i try, i cannot write you out of my envy... i never wanted you, and you scare me right down to the bone. maybe even deeper.
thursday
my eyes are puffy from crying
an excerpt of my wallowing.
i feel unremarkable.
you still won't look at me.
i am dirt
i am disposable
worthless
under your footsteps
that push me into
the pavement
like a heartbeat
excerpt from an e-mail
i can't laugh on grey days celina. i just can't.
weekend
i spend an apalling amount of time
digging through trendy little shops
to find a brilliant, heavy book;
the art of looking sideways
relief.
i also buy a tiny card with a kimono design
and gorgeous mermaid-print wrapping paper
it is too lovely to be cut up for some seven year old
i smile everytime i unfurl it
lines from 'memoirs of a geisha'
"Instead, he didn't seem even to be paying attention. All at once I felt so vain, like a girl posturing for the crowds as she walks along, only to discover that the street is empty."
monday
i give marisa
a white boutique-shop-bag
on its side;
pentimento
my post-it note
"persona non grata. you."
tuesday
after english we sit in the library
and talk for an age
i wish we could have talked forever
i get home at five
shower
and rush back to school
to observe the art
body-of-works
wednesday
i recieve a card,
((among other things))
it reads;
in bocca al lupo
one sentence from 'bonjour tristesse'
"In the past the idea of sadness always appealed to me, now I am almost ashamed of its complete egoism."
today is thurday.
year twelve is coming to a close
soon.
i don't know whether
to laugh or cry
i love this limbo far too much
maybe it's easier...
it scares me that school is
beginning to resemble 'home'
there is too much in this
little head of mine
too much
i don't want to lose you
could you bear to lose me?
i hope not.