4:17 pm . citric
oh you make me feel expolosive & dangerous & loud all at once. & i hate you & i hate you & i hate you. is it inappropriate for me to say "i want you to die as you beg for forgiveness"?

well?
is it?

you make me leave the door open so i can simmer in my madness because you.you.you. are the most blatantly dramatic person i neverever wanted to know. fuck, if only i could make you read this and hear this. for once maybe, because i've told you so many times before. i told you even when i didn't speak to you for a month.

or was it two?

i want you to die as you beg for forgiveness.
i want you to die as you beg for forgiveness.

i'm rattling and seething and about to swallow everything up. it's daylight and i'm trying. i'm trying. i'm trying.

there's a stake in your fat black heart she wrote.
& my god, i wish there was one in yours.

but i forget;
you don't
read poetry.
you just
pretend to.

i want you to die as you beg for forgiveness.

don't think i won't deny it, because i will & i'll do it just to take you down. i'll deny anything i ever thought about you because you.you.you. are slaying me as we speak.

we don't speak
we don't speak
we don't say a word.

don't bother trying to reply. don't bother trying to reply. i can dissect you in a moment because you try to tell me everything i've said before.

thoughts, pages, inks and time
i wasted all on you

do you remember when i wrote that last? well this time i'll let you keep it. have it so i can scar you forever and then you'll remember that i don't care anymore.

i'm trembling in view of the hallway, afraid because this time, water isn't going to wash you away.
you are always there & i can't help myself
you are always there & i can't help myself.

you were lovely until the day you pierced my head and drank all my thoughts. oh, you were so lovely until then. just give them back to me and i will pretend i never knew you.

stop.stop.stop.

you saved yourself for the moment that i seemed like uncaring. but the fact is i didn't stop caring, and when you started tugging on my skin, it only made me more concerned. except, it wasn't you i cared about.

i think it was me.

i'm not wrong or right, bleeding or dying. i'm just trying to tell you that i want you to die as you beg for forgiveness.

you don't even know what silence is

fuck it,
i will have to
speak to you.
i will have to
fix this.

how do i fix it when you think i've gone and died?
...
i know how to hurt you. i know because you're too fragile for your own good. i know how to hurt you because you drew me the map. except, i think you were lying to me. you can't make a map across a matchstick.

i've never been any good at planning what i'm about to say. should i ring you? invite you to lunch? tell you i'm angry?

no. i don't
want to meet you.

i don't want to eat with you

i don't want to ring.talk.laugh with you.

i met you once, in abstract thought
and you threw me into a monsoon.

the problem is
i thought i'd
survived.
i want you to die as you beg for forgiveness.

nostalgia . uncertainty