pathetic isn't it?
pathetic, that i
feel that way. when
nothing is wrong
nothing is wrong.
this isn't like the graveyard,
this isn't like the skyline.
you make me feel insignificant in such a different way.
i cried this morning until i couldn't breathe.
i sobbed & sobbed
& gasped for air.
somehow it's not enough that i cry over you
somehow it's not enough that i cry over anyone.
i hate you,
you know that don't you?
i hate you more than life itself.
does that really mean anything these days?
went for a walk
past nine o'clock.
it's dark & the streets
are filled with my tears.
my shoes-with-no-sole
are making me slip,
on the marble chips
the council paves
into the footpath.
a masterpiece in gold & blue
in front of the supermarket,
where the faces that i
vaguely know,
are waving goodbye
to the security man.
i find a longer route
home. & on my way
i meet two irishmen.
they ask me
where pitt street is.
i accidently give them
the wrong directions.
one of them asks me if i've
seen the red light?
puzzling & pondering i
ask what he means.
he gestures to the traffic lights.
for one strangely
poignantfearfulmoment,
i stare at the lights,
with two irishmen.
the lights turn red,
cars come to a halt.
they yell "hurrah!"
i exhale in relief.
slide in through the door,
i don't want to be here.
i want to go walking
i spend all day
waiting for the night.
& i spend all night
waiting for the day.
what the hell am i waiting for
if i'm not waiting for you?
writing & writing,
pretending that anyone reads this.
but i know that's not true.
i knew it since i had to
protect myself against you.
is writing truly a disease?
then cure me.
god, that was such a long time ago
but i still think it.
i think it now as i type.
what's to say i don't mean every word?
i mean it even when i take it back.
you are
...
you are
...
you are going to devour me. rip me. leave me.
gooseflesh. skin. my tumbled-up bag with my tumbled-up thoughts. my heart is yellow tonight, the colour i suspected yours has always been. if i can have you rob me senseless, then maybe i won't have anything to grieve over anymore.
can someone call me tonight?
just to talk about
their beautifulwonderful life.
that's all i want to hear.
...
just something that will make me smile
because i only smiled once today.
i forgot the reason why.
it must have been that unimportant.
you cannot believe
how tempted i am
to go walking at midnight.
the keys are on the bookcase.
the keys are on the bookcase.
it's not running away
if i plan to return.
i shall have to do it then.
because nobody cares
if i'm in bed or not.
i could conspire
with pirates tonight, &
all that matters is
that i'm home before seven.
will you meet me?
we can walk down
the middle of the road,
in silence & silence.
pretending that we
have found the arctic circle.
i only want
what i can't have.
i e-mailed myself today
just to say that i
felt rather like dying.
i suppose i was
the only person that
wanted to hear it.
i am alone
i am alone
can i take some solace,
in the way that you struck me?
i am alone.
i want to be asphyxiated by tears.
yours & mine, it'll be so beautiful.
i keep your chocolate wrapper on my desk. it used to make me smile, thinking that you gave it to me.
but you don't even know what i'm talking about.
i have a photograph
of a dead sunset.
you told me that you'd wait
by the horizon, but you knew
i could never meet you there
one of these days
i will fly.
but all i can do tonight
is shed my wings
& recite the song
that was written
just for you.
& it will be so silent