from my bones to my heart,
i might have lost the
weight of a soul.
i stand in the falling sunlight,
blue ball of string at hand
losing myself in a minute
of feeling simply plain.
plain without my earrings or scarf,
without a favoured skirt or a
coat to keep me warm. plain
without the ability
to keep my spine in place,
to smile for no reason at all.
i feel so goddamn plain just thinking of you.
the girl could be a wreck
an operatic outburst.
a tube of translucencey
against the tangerine skies.
maybe it's the fact that you made a liar out of me, & you intended it. you intended it all this time. maybe it's the feeling that i'm cold & lonely & i'm always waiting for someone, if not myself. maybe it's the knowledge that no one wants to rescue me from this, no one wants to make me a promise, no one wants to try. & it's childish. it's so, so incredibly stupid & foolish & me.
that was the difference
the absolute contrast
the oil & water
of you & i
when i wanted the words
i never asked
i always hoped
(maybe that's why i rarely recieved them?)
((why kid myself.))
if you wanted the words
you demanded them
& they were yours.
my minute of plainness
turns into an hour
or more.
there's no relief.
there's only the guilt
a slice of self-loathing
the numbness of my neglect
i regret you so bad.
these nights i don't sleep easy,
i don't even know why.