from the moment i press snooze
over & over & over
four hours later i am up,
miss a watercolour workshop
i don't care for it much.
i want to prove
there's everything to lose
but everything means nothing
without the one thing that
i've asked of you.
& i twist myself around ideas
while lying in my bed, finding
solace in the stretching silence,
making you know that i will be gone
that today i feel like the heaviest thing.
& i cry in the shower everytime,
louder when you aren't outside.
why do you ask me questions
when you won't listen
to my answers?
return to the lack of responsibility
i'm a fucked up mess
i'm a terrible person
i should be shot &
dragged across the dirt
& maybe then it will be fair
& maybe then you will see
what i was trying to say.
so i don't make eye contact for at least a lifetime, catch a train down to the harbour. avoid you. i do it to avoid you. roam up & down the cobblestone streets, looking for my last attempt, looking to pretend i won't come home. i starve myself before falling to the floor & admitting defeat. & then i sit in the courtyard during peak hour traffic, whittling away at my ideas, feeling so goddamn worthlesss that... i do not know. a rattling bus, where all of a sudden i feel less inclined. but i have already struck out on my way, knowing that i don't have the diligence, the maturity, the ability.
i believe in sweet little lies