the words, the people,
the treasures of a cave,
i hold it all, i hold it all
here, in these palms turned blue
by the souless winter rain.
& as i begin descending the spiral of the stair
((gone blue or black or grey in the time that i am there))
a moment you would save,
a moment of lostbitterclarity
it wraps itself around me,
it strikes me like a wave.
what is it?
what could it be?
i dare not say.
for maybe you will see
that you were right
you were right all along.
& i? my dear, my darling,
i was wrong.
for the force of all my arguments,
the solemn grace & the intent,
made useless by the silence
that i gave & that i give.
always waiting for you to ring,
to send a letter or a spell my way
i am waiting for you to sing,
to shout, to simply say
"i love you & i will do so everyday"
but the abject imprecision
or the strength of this collision
is better put away.
you strip me open
finding all my secrets, all my fears,
without a word or prose
that is written or is spoken
you could do it all,
you could hold it all.
i know it more than anything,
more than anything i have known before.
it slips away, it does
from that very-tip-of tongue
all the locks & all the lies
it was you, with your voice at hand,
your velvet voice that splits and binds
your velvet voice that ruins all it can.
i've the bareness of a child
without the glue to keep my heart
a single beating organ, without
my seams to find some order, to
hold all the weight of a smile.
oh, i am a child, i am a child.
i lie there in your garden
eyes open with an unswerving,
with an unbreaking & observing
gaze.
((all the while begging for your blessing, for your pardon))
i will lie there seeing
where the tree of life is bleeding
where my worth is dirt, it could be dirt
where the women pray as though
they may die tomorrow, as though
they may die & they may follow
all the kings of earth,
all the sorrow of the sands.
they may fall & cry & mend & find
that it was worth it in the end.
was it worth it in the end?