12:36 am . lusted earth
there's a throb on my head
& it's staining my reason.

you are my headache.
you are my blinding heartbeat.
you've lost me.
((as if i were something to be won; an object, a prize, a page worth of words that declared a chaotic love))

i am my own.
i am my own.
i'll lose you too.
((as if you were something to be cherished. oh, as if.))

undying curiosity
this is like disaster.

the lengths of
time between us
are an absolute relief.

i fall
like a fool
when i see you
so soon.

i can breathe
when you
aren't in my head.

in my head
in my head
making cobwebs
over old&dusted
memoirs.

you erase the hate
& start all over again.

soon i
will travel
((alone)).
new zealand,
new caledonia,
florence, pompeii
...
i don't know where
i don't know how.
but i'll flee from you
like a bird in the hail.
((i'll get hurt, but i'm still flying away))

oh oh oh
oh my.
you were never mine
to give away.

she slips into her silence once again.

can you see me falter before i even speak? & you take over every sense, as i try to say 'hello'. all i can ever say is 'goodbye'. this is my abtruse way of saying you were the cause of every ache & shiver, whimper & ache.

when we drift
towards the horizon
we only chase
the sunlight.

the water,
darlinghoneydear,
is black-as-black
can be.

i'll dive if you'll no longer be my ghost.

each for the other that fell to the floor // she would jump mere seconds before // just to save that paper.

silence makes
a parody of
you & i

it makes me feel
like murder.

i'm too afraid to be.

you almost make me set alight. all i want to do is weep & slumber, fall & weep for someone just like you. weep & slumber, fall & weep. you are the muse that pulled me down, made me see that prose is just a flawed performance, just another way of suffering out loud. you are my affections turned black. you are my pulse on empty. you are my nothing, my emerald existence. you are my reason to hurt. you are each&every word i paint onto a page. you are my endurance, my death. you are the contradiction that keeps me seething until i fall & wake. until i break & fall.

nostalgia . uncertainty