& the daunting greysky.
a slash of lightning flickers
above the seam of heaven&earth.
there's a secret between us;
one that i might keep
to myself.
i almost wish
you'd murdered me
when you had the chance.
& how many chances did you get?
you wrote a story on the wind. & if i had just listened more intently i would have heard us tearing apart. tearing; as though we were mere words on a page, as though we were two halves of a loveless letter. you are the author of every elegant silence i find myself in. when you scribble lyrics on the sand, the waves know never to erase those words; those artist's words, those sketches of soul. your eloquence was meticulous; the way it wandered between daring & dark.
your perfect prose only lacked a little honesty.
there was something almost magnificent about the way you moved across a room, as though you were a swan sauntering through still water. the subtlty of each ripple almost lost in the serenity. the water, the atmosphere, barely breaks beneath you. not that i didn't waver; i yielded everytime.
did you detect that breathlessness i'd acquire whenever i sat in that chair? i had no idea what to say out loud; knowing that you'd analyse it, dissect it into oblivion, yet somehow still forget me when i walked away. & even though i was always the one who walked away, it was only because you commanded it. i would have sat there until my flesh dissolved to bone. but don't think i would have smiled for you. i'd die with that frown on my face if it meant i could break you too.
i enter the ocean alone. the water smothered by the sinister sky; like a winter net, like cold glass, like a narcissistic poison. place my head on the sea & face the clouds, point my toes to the shore & close my eyes in eternal slumber. i wait for something to take me over, to tide me under. instead i drift towards that elusive seam. & i float. i float forever; because i wait for you to rescue me.
i wait for you to drown me at last.