eyes pinned to the sky
for without it i
might scream out loud.
the sense escapes me; that i ever was trapped or broken or being sipped away. like sandpaper at my skin it was just too much to breathe. it was just too much to resent. it was so, so much that i was standing, alive & inhibited. alive & dead.
& food that i didn't eat, gone sour at the sound of my voice & i falter under the breeze because i can. & i wanted to. & maybe i liked suffering so quietly.
an outburst to muse over undecided or stripped or maybe the colour of the horizon while you talked.
& i turned the colour grey.
because there's nothing except the bruise you left so long ago. there's nothing but the salt in my cardigan.
the sheets wrap around so willingly & you read me like a fucking textbook, like a word without meaning. it's the notion that i'm dreaming, a nightmare times twenty because i never woke up. i never wake up. i never will.
the old lights on the bus. & the one who tries to make a spectacle of me. there's that star in the night, it might be a plane ((who can tell when you're soaken & blind?))
it reminds me of you.
a dull freedom, i'm
walking home alone
& it's intoxicating,
it's drunken & mad
more senseless than
the summer rain.
i don't have the eloquence
to say that i
...
i always wanted to be saved
i never wanted to ask for it.
& after all those times that you threw me a lifeline & i tossed it away because i didn't need it. i should have taken you for granted. i should have thrown myself into the waves & forgotten it all. i should have put myself in a box & crossed a thousand seas. i should have driven all night, just me & the soundtrack to my life. i should have. i should have. i should have tried to do nothing. i should have stood & conquered the bitter breeze.
oh, what i would do
to just have some release.