10:23 pm . superheroheartbreak
wake to the sound
of an intruder lingering
on the carpets, inhaling as i
kick my sheets, mumble, fall asleep.
or maybe i imagined it.
i think i did.

lie in bed, wrapped in purple & green,
wrapped in exhaustion & just hating you
or waiting for the moment, the occassion,
for you to apologise to me, to admit it.

phonecalls that rearrange me,
pull me apart & stick me together
all my pieces are misplaced.

the colour of the table cloth eludes memory,
checks? stripes? possibly a pattern?
it doesn't seem to matter.

you sit across from me
& state the obvious
making it so, so clear to me
that you aren't worth the time.
that you'll go back on your words,
your anger, your misguided fact,
you'd go back on it all
& think that i'll agree
...
i don't know why i ever did before.
i don't know why i ever thought
you were the queen of reason,
why i ever thought that you
had the intelligence, the objectivity, the empathy.
you lack it all.

you'd stab me in the back
just to keep your pride in place.
you'd kick me in the dark
if i held the only candle.
you'd come running to me
to say that you care,
to say that you're immortal
& righteous & strong
but you let me down
so long ago.

the truth is;
i wanted you to.

i fold a paper napkin in my fingers,
fiddle with the thought, the complete unreason.
you're only with me now because
you need some fucking validation,
an exemption, an army to take to war.
i don't care.

why are you proving this to me?
why the hell would i care that you
think you might do some good?
why should i believe you?

you're saying the words
to the wrong person.
i am not the one who has to forgive you
i am not the one who can ease your guilt

you push away all my plans,
make me dirty, foolish, cold.

it's useless,
i already hate you
like a thursday.

the insincerity,
the outrage, the
recited rhetoric,
it means nothing
coming from you.

nostalgia . uncertainty