9:42 pm . thoughtless
for one crazy second
i think i believed you.

spinning pretty circles down on my head, like doodling across a dance floor. i will draw you in the raindrizzle. seeing the world the way i wanted to. in words not numbers, in colours not shapes.

i
could
murder
you

oh, this is mad. i am
drinking
terrible coffee
from a terrible
american franchise
((not starbucks, god forbid))
& i am convinced that
the styrofoam cup
tastes better
than this.

eating japanese
in the dark.
not knowing what
i am about
to engulf.

my head is a mess. my head is a mess. my head is a mess. my head is a mess. my head is a mess. my head is a mess.

i thought i could escape you, i thought i'd live like i was dying. i thought so much that my dreams splattered against the wall, but i was fine. i'm still fine. maybe you've hurt me, maybe i've hurt myself more. sipping on my secrets, i thought to myself there are the copper lights on the ground that dizzy you up before you drown, the earth is going to take me and swallow me. but i'm not going to cry this time. i'm not.

& something tastes
so sourlostcold

anger? i don't have
the space for
feeling. sad?
i am always
going to be sad.

towels and tissues,
scissors and ribbons.
my desk is a catastrophe

i have not bought
a formal dress.
i do not
want to.

shadows on shadows until it's only darkness, waiting for the light to fizzle and fuse. feeling for just a moment that i could... that i could be you.

tilting my head
this way
and that.
because i cannot remember
how to be honest.

least of all
with you.

((you might think you're plaguing me, but i don't even know who you are. a figment of my delusion, a phantom from a reverie?))

tonight it feels as though i could trace the stars to infinity and nothing else will ever matter. i will chase my daydreams so far and so hard, that everything else will seem a nightmare. if i could find someone who could catch me just before i met the earth, maybe then i wouldn't be such a mess.

can you fix me? can you fix me? i will pay you in silver and sea. i can make you drown in forgiveness & all i will leave is an imprint of shadow on your armchair.

there is something both beautiful and frightening about feeling collarbones under skin. i could snap in two. i could snap in three. & if that happens i will send you pieces of my life in big yellow envelopes. everything about me is aching. lavender smoke. dreamless temptations. a siren in the waves. a beast under my bed.

perhaps if i could make some sense, i would know what i was feeling. but all i want to do tonight is talk to you. that's all i want, but it's never going to happen.

what am i
to do
with myself?

nostalgia . uncertainty