9:57 pm . venusian
my sleeping habits
are scaring me.
i slumber for at least
ten hours a day,
((fourteen is not impossible))
still tired
when i wake.

((coffee is my second blood))

& i dream these intense, exhausting, downright frightening dreams. but they're not nightmares; they just emphasise everything i try to run away from. they just emphasise you; as though every action, every song, every thought, every breath, is just a testimony to you. just proof that you could mark me with depth, with permanence. how can you be so vivid? so painful? even after all this time?

& the light shone through her hair, catching the silver in her ears & every artificial smile was just for you & she begged you to murder every memory & you didn't care to know that she was fading right before you. & you just didn't care at all.

this maudlin drama
is ruining me.

mine to sever,
mine to save.

spend the days
with my disease,
you live between
each&every regret.

i was learning
to love you
way past the
last minute.

i still dream of you when i'm awake; playing out a prayer where you call me to say things are fine darling, just fine though things haven't been fine for a while. but i believed all your lies before; those sugarsweet meaningless ones, those ones that made me happy for only shards of time. they do the damage though. they are the parts of you that make me feel so cheap; like i'm not even worth those silly coins i stick to the ground, like i'm not worth the words, the time, the energy, the thought. was my faith so easy, so simple that it seemed irresistable? asserting your integrity while you lied your fucking heart out? wasn't it just your way to make me a star & then slay me into an endless night? i never wanted to burnbright, i never wanted to be brilliant, but you went & made me feel that way. you went & made me feel like i had everything to lose. i suppose what hurts so much is the ease of it all; the ease of pushing me aside after you delivered every lie. & still i think the world of you. & still i feel like winning you; seducing you somehow with my unimportant head, with my unimportant voice. every expensive glance you gave just makes me feel a fool. you never once answered my prayer.

did i really mean that little to you?

nostalgia . uncertainty