11:24 pm . villain
nothing is ever
going to
sort me out.

stumbling over
phones & words
& apologies
never asking
how you are.

feeling regret like
maybe this is fatal.

but it is.
but it is.

feeling twice as heavy because i'm thinking twice as hard and all i wanted to do was shout and make a scene but why didn't i do it? i'm never going... to hear my heart break quite so loud. never.never.never. and i know i'm seventeen and that i'm crying all the time. i know that i can't fix it and i'm sitting here alone. i know that no matter how hard i try it'll never be enough for me, but you can't feel my skin simmer like an explosion. but you can't even begin to understand how hard the ground was when i finally hit it. and you won't ever know that your name streaks across my head at any given minute. you won't ever know because everyone thinks they're reading me right and they aren't, and they aren't.

marvelling at just how clean the whites of my eyes look after i hide myself. it's late and i'm burning; wanting the sky to catch fire so i can wake up at last. i can't make eye contact since you said i've never been able to sleep alone. saw your face on that morning when i slipped in late & hazardous like a toxic potion. it was then that i knew, you were about to bring me down.

but i'll allow myself this;
i helped you do it.

like writing my eulogy as i wrote out my wishes. spinning light between my palms because you... have tainted me.

hated the way you just assumed that i was all about you, because it wasn't and it won't ever be. it will never be about you. never.

even when i
don't say a word,
all i can do
is talk
of you.

nostalgia . uncertainty