is it because i said i didn't care?
don't let a little thing like that get to you.
i missed your birthday. that was weeks&weeks ago. all day long i thought i would call you. i flirted with my guilt until it slunk away.
i remember when we were nine & you landed on a brokenglassbottle when you let go of the flying-whoosh-fox. i had no idea what to do. i just watched the blood smother your foot. i think i was the one who suggested we take off our shoes. you're always making me feel guilty. i should have cried, shouldn't i? i really should have. you told me later that you'd damaged a nerve. i didn't know whether to believe you or not because you were always making up stories.
i remember when i bought black skirts all the time. i used to drag you around newtown every few months. you hated it. you hated all the op-shops, the trendy boutiques selling useless paraphernalia, the way the station always smelled of vomit or urine. but you still followed me there.
i remember when we caught the wrong bus. that was the latest i'd ever come home 'straight from school'.
i remember when you went away. i thought i'd never repair myself. i thought i'd never share so much of my past with anyone again. we both cried until the sky turned grey. we went ice-skating later. i sat outside the rink because i've always been a little afraid of ice-skating. you tumbled about on the water-glass. somehow managing to find your balance. somehow managing to look a little graceful.
i remember when you called me out of the blue. it was months&months after you'd left. all you wanted to talk about was a boy you'd met by the beach. his name was 'josh' & he was "so hot, and so cute, and ohmygod." i began to wonder whether i knew you at all. we were drifting apart & it didn't seem to scare me one bit.
i remember the last time i spoke to you. i told you i was in the underwear aisle of kmart, while you were waiting by the train-station. i was so scared of making conversation that i started talking about a sticker i was trying to steal. i can't remember the last thing you said to me, but you said it with such poised conviction that you left me mute. i stared so hard into those monstrous-kmart-carpets that for a second, i believed i'd find an answer there. i didn't, of course.
i noticed you don't call here anymore.