english is over.
forever
forever.
f o r e v e r .
((i mean this in the sense i will no longer violate literature rather, i will simply dissect it))
i have five units left. biology, religion & ancient.
biology would be the subject i secretely love. except for the option topic. which is shit.
yes. if all this vague arts//english//media stuff does not work out, i will do something in genetics. because i simply adore DNA.
don't you?
religion; pure rote learning. nothing to it but repitition and the insistence that i've never done this stuff in my life. then i have to write boring essays on a group of boring women who probably sit around at their dinner parties talking about the subscription to patriarchal paradigms which objectify my femininity. oh please. i'm here to regurgitate, not to learn. ((thank you board of studies you've wasted my entire lifetime thus far))
i'm so fucking happy.
ok, maybe that's an
exaggeration.
i am content
for tonight.
marisa is returning this weekend. i have bought a giftie for her eng xx class. but i have spilt strawberry nudie over pages eighty-four and eighty-five. i am feeling vaguely worried.
ancient history; ((funny how i left this out)); absolutely bloody scared. i wish julius caesar had the foresight to live forever. then augustus would have been an irrelevancy. don't know anything. i hate scullard; plutarch is mildly amusing; suetonius is an absolute joke, it reads like the roman empire's version of who weekly. i know nothing.
eugh, people are trying to tell me that i'll do so well in these exams. what the hell would they know? i've done a total of about five hours study for these things. i'm not exaggerating. i don't have the drive for this, i don't have the energy or the attention span. i don't have the ambition. isn't that terrible?
i read once that "intelligence without ambition is a waste". ok i'm not the brightest crayon in the box but christ, i'm not an idiot either. i'm a waste. woe.
my point is that everyone is expecting me to at least crack the nineties. hell, i'm even expecting it. but kid, it aint happening. not at this rate. the one expectation i want to uphold is a band six for biology. i think that's all i want. one fucking band six. eh, and eng xx. i suppose i couldn't live with myself if i screwed that up. but the rest of it... the rest of it means nothing. why is my uai going to dictate the next few years of my life? what's the fucking point? if only everything could be as simple as a single number. if only.
how about you put down my life in arithmetic, then you can add and subtract as you please
my, i'm just so rambly tonight. i just feel beige. i should e-mail katie. things aren't sounding so great. but i'm still being a recluse. i bought new jeans and they are too big around the thighs. i bought a new top and it is too small. i could have bought the perfectly pretty dusk-pink top, but no... i had to buy the green thing that would only ever fit a pre-teen. bastard clothing.
i want some tea. my mother is at work. so i cannot go driving off into the night. not until she returns. i am going to burn my eng x notes with great joy next week. there will be chanting and champagne.
i really wish you loved me enough to call me now and then. i don't have the courage to ever call you for no reason at all. you are just so brilliant- that it is intimidating. why do i have to be like this? if i had even an ounce of strength about me, maybe i'd cry in front of you instead.